


The Great Burger Saga

by Merixcil



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Food, Gen, NPC Death, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2019-11-07 04:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17953967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: Joker needs a burger. And another, and another. Antics ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

“What can I get you, sir?”

The girl behind the counter is a modern marvel, unblinking as Joker graces her with his public speaking smile. Even the mayor can’t look at this magnificent grin without shitting her pants but the Amusement Mile Maccy D’s has a front of house dame with balls of steel.

The menu is splashed overhead in delightfully garish colours, advertising everything from the infamous burgers that this place is so well knows for to something called a Special Gotham McNuggets Deal.

“Why McNuggets, eh? What’s in ‘em that they need a shiny new name? Just call them chicken nuggets!” Joker sticks out an elbow in the hope of prodding a fellow customer in the side but it transpires that while he was thinking about how great the McDonald’s menu would look above his mantelpiece, they’ve all vanished.

“Company branding.” The girl dismisses him with a roll of her lifeless eyes. “Sir, can I please take your order.”

“My order? You can’t handle my order!”

“If you aren’t going to purchase anything, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Yeah, you and what army?”

The girl strains her mouth into a sneer. And people say kids these days have no manners. “Just pick something to east, mister.”

So spunky! Something worth laughing about, so he does. Joker would do her the honour of letting her know that they don’t make them like her anymore but evidently they do and the pudding, with all its underhanded proof, is standing right in front of him.

“Well, I gotta say, I’ve been craving meat patties all day. Or all week. When did I last eat? Doesn’t matter. You got a McBurger kicking around back there.”

“One Big Mac coming up.” The girl drones her way over to the till. “You want fries with that?”

“Blegh, no thank you. Not a fan of flies in my McBurger. Bats like flies though, so you wanna make sure you bring that up if the big guy ever stops in.”

The girl cocks her head in unfriendly exasperation, the little hat she’s hiding her hair under stands strong against the forces of gravity. If he were in a less forgiving mood, Joker might make her say sorry for being so rude to a paying customer (and he _is_ paying. He found a twenty just lying in some guy’s pocket just that afternoon, if you can believe it) but he’s very hungry and the little paper parcel she hands him in return for the note smells like it needs to be the centre of his attention for the next five minutes.

“Your change!” The girl calls after him as Joker skips over to a window seat where he fully intends to give the world a show as he chows down on this scrumptious morsel.

“Keep it!”

The paper makes in interesting addition to the standard bread and mean combo, but Joker can get behind it. It’s harder to chew than anything else in the McBurger, adds a bit of challenge to the ever so dull trial of feeding oneself in order to avoid starvation. Once he’s gotten a decent bite out of it, all sorts of sauces start oozing from the bun and he spends a happy few minutes wiping these all over the window. Someone, somewhere is asking him to please not make a mess but they give up when he reminds them that he’s been nice enough to clear out the restaurant for the rest of the afternoon as well as paying handsomely for their services. Very on brand for him. He’s such a generous person.

Joker polishes off his delicious, papery dinner with a full smacking of his lips before bidding the girl at the counter good day and heading about his business. Outside, a full party of cop cars is already waiting for him, and isn’t that just delightful? It’s shaping up to be quite a day, he just can’t lose.

“Aww, you boys went to all this trouble just for little old me? I should warn you, I’ve just had my dinner so I’m at full power. We’re talking over nine thousand here, people. You wanna watch yourselves.”


	2. Chapter 2

The Amusement Mile branch will always be his first love, but there’s a lot to be said for the jungle gym in the Diamond District McDonalds. The staff tried to tell him that it was ‘for children only’ and that it was ‘a violation of health and safety laws’ to let him on it but after he finally convinced them all to clear off he’s got the whole thing to himself.

“Hey! Someone get me a McBurger!” Joker hollers in the general direction of the food counter as he skids down the slide, crash landing on a satisfyingly squishy plush shape that had been abandoned by the retreating crowds.

No one confirms his order and no one rushes over with his food. (They can do that, did ya know? They have rows and rows of dinner all stacked up behind the counter just waiting for your beck and call). He has to assume that they’re all too chicken to stay in the same room as him, a common affliction of the type of person who frequents fast food restaurants. But when Joker goes up to the safety netting to get a better look at the free world he’s met with a rather lovely surprise.

They’re dead. All of them. Eyes bulging out of heads, tongue lolling out of mouths, faces planted right in their food. One of the little toys that comes with the expertly names Happy Meals has lost its mind and is emitting a never ending loop of a chipmunk-ified Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Which is absolutely superb, you funky little sweatshop produced anthropomorphised animal, but Joker reckons it would still be fun to stamp it to death. And on the way he could treat himself to a whole load of free food, just scoop up every McBurger in the place. Even the ones with dead kiddy drool in them. He can shove them in a bin bag and sneak them back to his hideout as a promise to make himself thoroughly sick sometime between now and whenever he next feels like heading out on the town.

Just as he’s formulating a plan to split his funhouse jail cell, however, the door clicks open and an ominous black mass drifts into the room.

“What are you doing here?” Joker snaps, abandoning his plan to dig his way into the sewers and instead opting to climb the netting – by far the fastest way to get out and teach that useless flying rodent a lesson. The netting turns out to be rather uncooperative and has drilled itself right into the ceiling. He’s going to have to chew his way out.

Which gives the Bat, useless goody two shoes that he is, all the time he needs to march over and enter the jungle gym through the door. He thinks he’s so smart.

“Joker!” The Bat calls up to him, voice muffled by the gas mask covering the usually exposed lower half of his face, making him look like a futuristic cyber-bat. Joker has to have a good laugh at that, and he can hardly be blamed if he stops chewing the netting long enough that he can be dragged back to ground level before he’s regained his composure.

“Where are you taking me? I wanna see my lawyer!” Joker demands as Batman throws him over his shoulder and begins, quite against his will, to remove him from the premises.

“There’s been a gas leak, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“Is that what all the dead bodies are about?”

Batman growls in response. He’s in a good mood.

“Well at least grab be a McBurger on the way out.” Joker reasons, reaching towards the counter which is rapidly getting further away from him in a most unobliging manner.

“No burgers today, Joker.” The Bat grunts.

Joker’s gonna absolutely ream this guy in court.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey, can I get a McBurger over here?” Joker has to fight for the attention of the kid at the counter. He may be spending too much time innocuously eating at fast food restaurants, people are starting to lose their mortal fear of him.

The server in question is a young, lanky specimen who looks like he works shifts here to fund his Warhammer painting career. “I’ll get to you soon, sir.”

Sir! The cheek of it. Only the serving girl at the Amusement Mile branch who lacks the fear of death gets away with being so polite to The Joker. He’d say he’s about ten minutes from throwing a hunger tantrum, then nerdy splotch face will be sorry.

Joker’s endurance never fails to amaze. It takes the kid four thousand years to get to him and everyone in the room still has all the requisite body parts. Patience of a saint.

“What can I get for you today, sir?”

Again with the pleasantries. Joker throws up his hands in despair. “I already told you! A McBurger, pronto. I’m a very hungry boy.”

“What kind of burger?”

Joker blinks, aghast. “A McBurger!”

“Ok, but what kind of burger?”

“I just told you what kind of burger!”

“We have an extensive menu, sir. Perhaps you’d like to review the options.” The kid’s eye twitches like he thinks he’s having his patience tried.

Joker decides to show mercy and not knock his teeth out with the cash register. The kid might be new, after all. He may yet have the makings of a Girl From The Amusement Mile McDonalds. “Just get me something beefy and full of sauce.”

The McBurger he is served is much wider and flatter than he is used to. Joker eyes it suspiciously as he walks away from the counter, ignoring the kid who stays yammering at him like he thinks he cares. Something about having to pay, which sounds extremely dull and like it would take valuable time away from eating.

From the moment he bites into the paper, Joker knows something's wrong. The bun is too squidgy, and the pickle isn’t pickly enough. He scowls down at the offensive mess in his hands and sees sauces two shades off the right colour. How on earth could anyone have made such a catastrophic mistake? He tears back to the counter ready to lodge every complaint that management will allow.

“That’ll be two dollars, please.” The kid is giving him a very uncharitable look.

“Two dollars? For this piece of crap? See here, I have great respect for the worldwide evil overlords of McDonalds but you can’t expect me to maintain that respect when you go around serving subpar travesties like this.”

The kid frowns. “Sir, this is a Burger King.”

“Yes, McDonalds are the king of the McBurgers.” Joker agrees. “But you see-“

“Sir, you don’t get it.” The kid snaps, a full on ‘I’d like to speak to the manager’ voice. “This is a Burger King. McDonalds is a different chain.”

The sheer ridiculousness of what he has just been told paralyses Joker. Before he can regain control of his shell-shocked body, he loses his grip on the not-McBurger and it splatters it’s offensively miscoloured sauces down the front of his suit. “Right, that does it. Everyone in here’s getting merced.”

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted somewhere on my [tumblr](http://jeffersonhairpie.tumblr.com/) which you should follow *wink wonk*
> 
> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/chadfuture_) sometime as well
> 
> Comments are love!


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